Warning to the faint of heart. There’s a couple of rude words near the bottom of this, but they are artistically justified I swear. Hehe, swear.
A few years ago a friend told me he was doing Febfast. Good idea I thought – most years I give up alcohol for Lent, which is a great Lenten observance – as well as the old fashioned ‘giving something up’, it’s a good head clearing exercise. Febfast has the advantage of being a lot shorter – for the secular giving up for a calendar month, you choose the shortest month. Another great idea! Also it is a fundraiser to support organisations that help young people with alcohol and other drug problems.
Then I heard of Dry July, and I thought yeah well, you have a good idea and someone else will hijack it, at least it rhymes that’s kind of neat. They support adults living with cancer, which is a useful thing – you can’t help but think most cancer related fundraising will result in patented medications and big profits for someone, so a charity that fundraises for hospitals providing day to day support isn’t too bad.
A local junior footy club did ‘Give it a Flick for Auskick’ which raised discussion about the appropriateness of alcohol related fundraising for junior sports. I can see both sides of that argument, can’t make a judgement there.
And then on Facebook the other day, someone mentioned Ocsober. And I thought, ‘great, another one.’ And then I thought, ‘hehe Ocsober, funny.’ And THEN, I thought, ‘no! Enough is enough!’ February, July ,October…that’s a quarter of the year already…it’s the thin end of the wedge I tell you. It will be all year before you know it. I’m starting to think it’s a conspiracy of the old fashioned Christian right, to slowly squeeze out of our society the last relief we have from the gaping hole left by all the colour they squeezed out of the rest of life. If the Puritans have their way, next will be ‘March’ on the Bottle-O, ‘May’ ye all be Temperate or worst of all, Nobeervember.
Luckily for you, dear readers, Neuromesh has your calendar covered. It’s time to strike a blow against those who would repress this wondrous molecule. Intoxication wants to be free! Sure we could aim against the incursions that have already been made on our God given tipple, and claim our rights in February, June and October, but I believe we should always get the first shout in be proactive, not just countering those months but claiming the whole year for freedom and inebriation. With this in mind, allow me to present to you….the Alcohalander!
Wineuary
Your liver is well conditioned by the Christmas festivities, so why not put all that work to good use! It’s important to make the most of the Australian summer, it’s hot and thirsty and you’ve had a good leadup from Christmas. But maybe you are a bit fat from all the Christmas beer, so get your friends to sponsor you for each bottle of wine you get through in January. Chardy, Cab Sav or Bubbly, every glass you have can help someone in need.
Fundraising for: families who spent too much on X-Boxes for their kids at Christmas and have an unmanageable credit card debt.
Febrewary
It’s home brew month. Reaching the end of Summer spending, with a big year still ahead of you, it’s an ideal time to stash away a few bucks by drinking on the cheap. Also the warm Australian weather makes for fast fermenting temperatures, so you should be able to get four ‘home projects’ completed in February. While you wait for your brew to settle, drink whatever you like.
Fundraising for: Community garden projects, especially if they grow hops and barley
March to the Pub
Occupy Wall Street, Occupy London, Occupy Melbourne…Occupy the local we say! Take your liver and your stomach out for a treat – get your friends, family and workmates to sponsor you for every Pot/Schooner + Chicken Parma meal you consume at the pub during March!
Fundraising for: Chicken Welfare
Graperil
Spent too much at the pub in March? Time to resort to Chateau Cardboard. The humble goony is the drink of fundraising choice for April. Strike back at your year ten English teacher and say No! Quantity is a great substitute for quality! Remember to tell your sponsors whether you will be drinking the two, four or the mighty five litre cask!
Fundraising For: Recycling awareness, but if you can’t find any sponsors, put your empty goony box in the recycling instead of throwing it in the garden of the local primary school, and we’ll call it even.
May Part-ayyy
What comes before Part B? Part Ayyyy!!! It’s the end of autumn and of sunshine. The sun is down earlier and the night is longer, and the longer the night, the longer the party. This month, your sponsors will be raising funds based on every nighttime hour you can spend drunk, so party for a cause!
Fundraising For: Insomnia research
Brewn
Chances are you completely forgot about the home brew you made in Febrewary, so it’s time to tidy up the garage and drink that. Of course, unless your friends drink as much as you they’ll probably remember that they already sponsored you for these home brewed charitable efforts, so it’s a good time to enlist some new sponsors for your community service work in Brewn. Plus you’ll have twice as many potential sponsors to hit up next month!
Fundraising for: Alzheimers research
Try July
It’s cold, it’s wet….stick to the warmth of your home and experiment. Try July is all about new things. Go to the grog shop and say “One of each thanks”, mix and match and see what works. You’ll be making money for charity each time you try a new cocktail, plus you can win prizes for the most suggestive new cocktail names! Imagine the fun when you offer your friends an ’Energetic Eel Enema’?
Fundraising for: Diversity thing
Auguzzle
Crank it up, it’s all about the numbers in Auguzzle. It’s cold and dark, but hey have a few and a few more and you don’t mind. What’s the drunkest you’ve ever been mate, haha, you have 31 days to acheive it.
Fundraising for: I dunno, probably stomach ulcers or something.
Pisstember
Yeah what’s more Australian than gettin’ on the piss yeah? Get a few friends, and it’s your shout, and his shout and the other guys shout, as long as you don’t leave just when it’s your shout yeah!
Fundraising for: more beers!!!
Octoberfest
Maulticutural and stuff it;s German so its’qw good they invented beer right? Also, girls in them oktoberfest outfits and big beers and like lids on and that.
Fundraising for: scheiße hehe I swore in German
Noremember
I was gonna type something or…something, it was a, like, it was fu, it was fu…fuckin…hey, it’s been….mate…I love you mate, your fuckin….you know….
Fundraising for : Kebabs
Bleghcember
Yeah I used to, you know…and it’s fugn…I gotta….wait…be right back….
Fundraising for: Taxi fare